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Topics: Pirates, Morse, Cruise

Sunday, 14 February 2010

image for American Removed From Cruise Ship
Mr. Morse attempted piracy on the high seas against the Love Boat

An American man was removed from an international cruise ship in handcuffs and leg irons after spending the previous three days under house arrest. The man, identified only as "Cap Morse," is accused of causing mayhem and several disturbances onboard the Cruise Line Ship "The Love Boat."

The incidents started the second night out from harbor when Mr. Morse was upset at the chicken dinner. He allegedly started yelling at the cooks that the breasts, legs, and thighs were not real. He was heard to yell "I can't see the little hairs...I can't see the tattoos...where are the nipples? Give me my cook Skoob, cuz he's much better at cannibal cuisine!"

Ship's staff assumed the man to be drunk and escorted him to his room.

The next morning, Mr. Morse was found on the bridge in full pirate gear. A patch made from the wrapper of a Snicker's bar was over one eye and a stuffed bird was duct taped to his shoulder. He was yelling commands at the crew such as "avast matey" and "hard aport" and "thar be icebergs in these here waters."

He also would put a hand slightly over his mouth and pretend to make sounds for the parrot, who he called "Bullocks."

After being escorted from the bridge, "Cap" Morse fashioned a cardboard sword and begin storming the pool area, in an attempt to free the wenches and take one (or more) back to his cabin. The three thong wearing beauties who were freed from the cabin two hours later said that they were not sexually assaulted, as the Cap was "having trouble raising the main sail and couldn't get the flag above half mast."

The "wenches," who had willingly followed him to his cabin when they thought that he was "just another eccentric, rich American," were upset to learn that he wasn't Mr. Moneybags and that they were not getting large sums of diamonds or cash.

Mr. Morse escaped from confinement for these issues, took over the skeet shooting area, and took control of the shotguns. He then went on a rampage, searching for any French passengers so that he could kill "Captain Jean Le Fete and his froggie crew." As most of the passengers were wealthy Americans, Brits, and Germans (along with attractive young women hoping to snare wealthy Americans, Brits, or Germans), he was out of luck.

He then barricaded himself in a cabin and shot all of the ammo out of the porthole at a passing fishing boat, saying that "it's that ship that wants to sink the Buggerall."

Mr. Morse was subdued by ship's security officers when he finally ran out of ammunition. He then spent three days chained to his bed in his cabin.

A woman identified as Mrs. Morse spent most of her time in the sauna, spa, and salon and shopping during the island stops. She had no involvement with the attacks and is not being charged.

He (Morse) is currently in prison in Miami awaiting the official filing of charges, though he says that he is not willing to walk the plank.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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