NEW YORK - Dr. Jonelson Smith, the famed British plastic surgeon who performed rhinoplasty and eye enlargement on Ashlee Simpson, revealed today that while Ashlee Simpson was under the knife, he accidentally removed her talent.
"There was a small, hard nodule on the inside of Ashlee's left nostril," said Dr. Smith. "It looked incidental so I removed it during the re-sculpturing of her nose. It was only after her vocals disaster on Saturday Night Live that I realized the tiny growth must have been where her talent resided."
Ashlee Simpson, whose pop star career came to a grinding halt after a recent airing of Saturday Night Live where she was unable to sing without the aid of pre-recorded audio, announced plans to sue Dr. Smith in hopes that her talent can somehow be recovered and replaced.
"My fans have been soooo understanding," chirped Simpson to reporters, "and my new best friends, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, have offered to donate some of their talent to me, but I don't think they have enough to spare."
After struggling to find an excuse for her missing ability to sing on Saturday Night Live, Ashlee first blamed her band in a clear, non-croaky voice, then her record company, then her sound engineer for cueing up the wrong song, and then her hectic travel schedule, and then Simpson's father reported that her need for a guide vocal was a result of "swollen vocals chords" caused by "acid reflux." Then, a phone call came to her from Dr. Smith confirming himself as the person ultimately responsible for her missing talent.
"I really feel badly about this surgical error," said Dr. Smith, "but it was such a tiny speck…I couldn't have known what it represented at that time."
Because Ashlee Simpson's rhinoplasty occurred over six months ago, Dr. Smith expressed doubt that Simpson's tiny talent can ever be recovered. He explained that he has since been on the phone with many of his celebrity patients, and he reports that Ashlee Simpson's suit has started an avalanche of litigation against him.
"Madonna and Ben Affleck are now claiming that I may have inadvertently removed their acting talent during their rhinoplasty," said Dr. Smith. "This is turning into a career nightmare for me, but I must be honorable and accept the consequences of my actions."
Ashlee Simpson, clearly upset that her trust in Dr. Smith's skills were misplaced, told reporters that she wished she had never tried to "Barbie up" her appearance.
"Now I understand why Barbra Streisand never had a nose job," Ashlee said. "Boy, was she ever smart."