Rome, Italy - Today officials in Vatican City announced that the Roman Catholic Church will no longer require its bishops of the world to wear pointy hats. The announcement comes on the heels of an incident involving the Archbishop of Los Angeles James McGillicuddy and self-appointed fashion policewoman Joan Rivers.
During the taping of her mildly-popular E! Entertainment TV cable network show, "On the red carpet with Joan Rivers," Rivers made a less than flattering remark as Archbishop McGillicuddy passed. Both Rivers and McGillicuddy were there for the gala premier of the latest Mel Gibson/Martin Scorsese movie, "The Next-to-last Temptation of Christ."
"I just said ‘quick, somebody check to see if Big Ben is missing its hour hand," Rivers explained, referring to McGillicuddy in his mitre (the pointy hat's official name).
Upon hearing the cut down, the Archbishop began wailing on Rivers with his staff.
"I'm tired of all the pot shots people take because I wear this thing. Homey don't play that game. I decided long ago that you DON'T mess with the man in the pointy hat! Vengeance will be swift and painful at the end of my staff" remarked the angry Archbishop.
"I had no idea that the Catholic church still persecuted Jews. I thought they were past that," joked a black and blue Rivers during a later interview. "You win some and you lose some when you're a comedian. That joke just bombed. But look, I got a new nose and a boob job out of the deal."
Once news of the incident reached Rome, 1400 years of pointy hat tradition dating back to a lesser-known pope Guido the Not-so-Innocent, was reversed with a papal decree.
In the Latin writ "Sombrero Giganticus Reversus," or "New Hat Rule" in English, the church attempts to avoid future scandals of this kind.
"We acknowledge that the Church is out of step with current fashion and are making strides to get into sync with the culture… therefore we will replace all mitres with stocking caps like those popular among today's youth, even in the warm months" explained the holy text.
"After recent ‘events' over the past few hundred years, we thought some good press might not be a bad thing," commented Brother Emilio Vespa, Vatican spokesman.
"Since we couldn't give up any ground on allowing women priests or making our flock always feel guilty for something, we thought whatsoever we do to the least of our brother, we could do unto ourselves, or in this case don more stylish headgear."
Vespa noted "the Vatican was already going to repeal the pointy hat rule, so don't get all up in our grill about it, ah-ight! Ms. Rivers comments just supported our decision. Word! Besides, I didn't be knowin' she be Jewish anyhow."
Vespa continued that other likely reforms include replacing the tasteless communion wafers with Cool Ranch Doritos and inking a deal with Paul Oakenfold to re-produce popular liturgical hymns into his trademark Perfecto remixes.