Written by P.M. Wortham
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Tuesday, 9 February 2010

image for Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus Sponsor Can Food Drive for Haiti
Cats Love It! Dogs will Eat it, People can Survive on it.

Feeling the need to do something for the residents of earthquake-torn Haiti, The Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus have teamed up to sponsor a canned food drive for deserving families on the island nation.

Both still busy on the road with concert dates, the artists will leave the planning details to their respective road managers and have agreed to do individual public service announcements directing patrons to go to their charity website. Cyrus promoter Tawny Tinnear tells reporters, "What a great initiative for those who are most easily lost and forgotten after a tragedy like this. As soon as Miley said that they were living like dogs on the street, I knew we had to spring to action."

Coordinated can collection efforts include sponsorship by several food stores and national mega store chains that have donated drop boxes and have offered to ship the food to Haiti when the bins are full. "The only trouble is", says Des Moines Piggly Wiggly store manager, Hal Heffer, "I don't think they have that many dogs down there".

The apparent mix up in food drive instructions was based on a Cyrus and Jonas Brothers joint conference call, where the "living like dogs" comment was taken quite literally by their handlers. The quickly developed website calls for all forms of canned pet food, while full page ads were taken in magazines including; "Dog World", "Cat Fancy" and "Bird Talk" urging the readers to take canned food to their local collection center.

The error was corrected a week later, but only after several tons of pet food had already been collected. Tinnear was fired shortly after, for suggesting that the solution could be found easily by removing the labels from the cans. She reportedly asked, "Would anyone really know? Ground beef by-product is ground beef by-product after all."

In a related story, dogs and cats on the streets of Haiti are reportedly jumping for joy at the new supply of food, though their enthusiasm was short lived. Apparently, no-one thought to send can openers.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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