Written by The Lampoon Journal
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Topics: Poo, Weather, Snow, Cold

Monday, 8 February 2010

image for Recent Snowstorm Perfectly Preserves Dog Poo
Still glistening fresh

BALTIMORE - Like a dinosaur bone preserved in the side of a mountain or an insect befallen in tree sap, a recent snowstorm to the Baltimore metropolitan area has been perfectly preserving animal droppings city wide. Area man Mike James has two dogs, both miniature schnauzers and both with the bladders of a rabbit, leaving him usually with a hefty task each day.

"I usually wake up at dawn, take them out, then go back to sleep until work. Because their bladders are so small, they shit and piss everywhere if I don't take them out upwards of ten times a day," he said begrudgingly. "But then comes a winter storm, with veracity strong enough to shut down an entire city, and that means one thing to me: I can stop cleaning up their shit until the snow melts. Most people hate this snow, I embrace it," he continued.

The cleanup activity isn't the only thing the snow brings however. As Mike indicates, it also leaves a surprise for later on.

"After a warm stretch, you can see some fossilized shit laying on and around the sidewalk. It's a thing of beauty, really. For each fallen, perfectly preserved poo means someone got to let one slide. A free pass, get out of jail card. A little tear comes to my eye each time I see that crystallized, u-shaped excrement. That and I know it'll fertilize the piss out of that grass come spring, no pun intended," he continued.

© 2010, The Lampoon Journal. All rights reserved.

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