Speaking for the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), Professor Cretino Calvo Ampolloso said today that the IPCC will prove that global warming causes Islamic terrorism, racial prejudices, sexual dysfunction and acne, among other ills and evils.
In the wake of its declining credibility and waning public support, the IPCC admits that it is attempting to bolster its image by documenting new and surprising effects of global warming. "After weeks of focus group testing," said Prof. Ampolloso, "we have decided to make it easier for people to relate to our thesis of man made global warming by directing our research toward consequences that the average person can understand."
In his long-winded and erudite remarks, Prof. Ampolloso sidestepped questions about recent embarrassing IPCC news, refusing to comment on the acknowledgement of error in IPCC's previous claim that the Himalayan glaciers will disappear by 2035 as well as the publishing of internal IPCC emails demonstrating a decidedly unscientific manipulation of data by its scientists.
"We are scientists, not politicians," said Ampolloso, "so I will not engage in mindless speculation. Instead I will assure you that we will soon be able to prove that global warming is causing acne, sexual dysfunction, racial disharmony and even Islamic terrorism."
When asked by a 16-year-old German girl in the audience how her acne could be caused by the ambient average temperature of the earth, Ampolloso responded angrily, "We are the scientists, so we are perfectly capable of making the data fit our claims!"
Later, when Prof. Ampolloso shook hands with a local Imam, he was overheard to say, "You, my righteously enraged friend, can soon take solace in knowing for a certainty that your Jihad against the West is further intensified by warming middle-eastern temperatures caused by the reckless capitalist excesses of climate-change-denying, racist, capitalist,acne-ridden infidels."