Port-Au-Prince - (Gonads): UN disaster workers have unearthed Barack Obama's original birth certificate in the ruins of Haiti's presidential palace.
His DNA mother Mary Jo Kopechne fled there to give birth after the baby's father, the Reverend Jesse Jackson, rented a bolt-hole for the delivery of their secret love child.
The document shows Mary Jo named the baby 'Michael' after her own birth father and gave him Jesse's own surname in tribute to the successful cloning.
Also discovered in the Haitian rubble is Zaprudder-like footage of the voodoo ceremony heralding Obama's nativity and supernatural predictions about his messianic future role.
Relief workers have commented that Obama's meteoric rise on the world stage bears a striking resemblance to the supernatural qualities the smash-hit TV series Heroes character the Haitian.
The character's extraordinary super-human gift erases the memories of all whom he touches.
Initially portrayed as a mute (think 'Omerta!') the Haitian declares in Series 1 that 'superpowers are a gift from God, and should be respected.'
The USA's 44th commander-in-chief will give his State of the Union address tomorrow.