Written by Hydrogen Balloon
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Saturday, 23 January 2010

image for Vatican City Plans Nuclear War To Conquer The World
The Empire Strikes Back

Vatican City-- There's a new monster on the world stage tonight, and it's someone that everybody knows. Pope Benedict XVI gave a stunning speech from the papal balcony declaring in his heavy German accent: "Vatican City has 1,000 hydrogen bombs and we will conquer the world. Resistance is futile." The pontiff then pushed two red buttons on the balcony, and nuked the cities of Venice and Milan.

Pope Benedict XVI thinks of himself as a modern Pope Leo X. The pontiff incinerated the two northern Italian cities as "payback, and a show of force to the world." He first plans to reconquer the Papal States and then have himself crowned emperor. Pope Benedict XVI is leading the military forces himself. The Pope believes he is the Antichrist and "can't wait to stun the world some more."

The pope first plans to reunite Catholic Europe and then "kill every single Protestant, especially the children." He is overseeing concentration camps for anyone unlucky enough to survive the insane nuclear war he is planning.

"I will drop one hydrogen bomb on a Protestant city, every hour, on the hour, until you surrender to The Church!" screamed the insane pontiff.

The pontiff's white, bony finger trembled a bit as he raised it over the button marked 'London'. He thought of Henry VIII and Thomas Moore and Anne Boleyn. He thought about the power he had, literally at his fingertips, to wipe out the great city.

"Oh fu*k! I just love doing this!" roared the mad pope as he pushed the red button. Seconds later, London was vaporized by a hydrogen bomb. "F*ck! I think I just had had my first orgasm!" he roared some more.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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