Written by Monkey Woods
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Monday, 18 January 2010

image for Thai Daily News 18.1.10
Good morning, teacher!

Rescuers are still trying to locate people buried under the rubble of last week's earthquake in Haiti, but it's also been a particularly busy day in the Thai capital of Bangkok today, where several stories have caught the eye.

For details, here is a summary of the day's headlines:

DROPPED COIN

There were concerns over a woman's health tonight after she stooped to pick up a stray 1 Baht coin she had dropped - only to see it roll along the floor and come to rest in a pile of dried dogshit. Not to be deterred, the woman, aged about 50, deftly plucked the coin pincer-like from the crap, and put it back in her cheap purse.

The incident, outside the Tang Hua Seng department store on Sirindhorn Road in Thonburi, was witnessed by me, and I told our Spoof reporter:

"I, myself, am known as a bit of a tight bastard, but even I would have let that one go!"

SILLY BITCH

In another incident not far away, in the Sang Hi district, a woman who stood at a bus stop wearing a face mask looked ridiculous. Swine flu has killed only 187 Thai people in the whole of history, and the wearing of face masks in the street as a preventive measure is generally scoffed at, particularly by me.

The woman was talking to a man, but kept having to lower her mask in order that the man could hear what she was talking about, so muffled was her sound. In so doing, she exposed herself to countless potentially infectious airborne diseases. Silly bitch.

The woman later didn't die.

MAN THROWN OFF BRIDGE

At around 8.30pm last night, a man was crossing the overhead footbridge into the Tang Hua Seng department store on Sirindhorn Road in Thonburi, when he was ordered by a member of the local constabulary to:

"Get off the bridge!"

According to the po-faced cop, the King was being driven along the road, and would be arriving at that point in less than 5 minutes. As absolutely nobody is allowed to be on a footbridge when the King passes underneath it - your feet must not be in a position higher than the King's head EVER! - the bridge had to be cleared.

The man - who was me - grumbled and begrudgingly ambled along slowly, prompting the officer, who was only about 5 feet 6 inches tall, to become agitated.

GUNSHOTS AT SCHOOL

"And", as Trevor McDonald habitually used to say, "finally", gunshots rang out at a school today as an irresponsible science teacher tested his air pistol in the school staffroom. Staff and students alike ducked for cover as a volley of little yellow, plastic pellets rebounded off walls and other surfaces, and around their bonces.

No-one was injured, but a calendar was damaged, and some pencils were scattered all over a teacher's desk.

Another teacher, originally from Manchester in England, Mr Gary, who was, for years, a Health and Safety Instructor for local companies, said:

"Idda bin locked up back'ome."

Another teacher - who was me - agreed, saying:

"Oaf."

That's the news from Thailand today. For regular updates, tune in tomorrow, or whenever I can be bothered to post more of this bullshit.

Make Monkey Woods's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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