A joint U.S. / Israeli Task Force has completed its investigative report and now concludes that over 80,000,000 people worldwide are in fact terrorists. The categorization includes those who are blood related to a terrorist, those who have smirked or smiled while watching a television news report on terrorism, all people who believe any reported act of terrorism was concocted by government for propaganda purposes, and anyone and everyone who speaks or writes a Persian language or has an Arabic name and is not Jewish.
TSA interrogations of passengers are now being upgraded to include questioning about these subjects and probing of specific mindsets. Those appearing to be less than completely submissive and obedient in every response will be pulled aside for further investigation and possible special rendition to GITMO
The CIA and the National Security Council are enlisting the services of Boogle, as they have nearly completed mapping every residence in every country and correlating those addresses with specific people. Those residences known to harbor terrorists meeting the above criteria, independent thinkers, critical thinkers, resistors, wrong political party registrants, welfare recipients, illegal aliens, senior citizens or other potential disobedient citizens will be targeted for missile attacks via unmanned drones.
TSA Chief Janet Neapolitan Ice Cream stated that the increasing of the "No-fly list to over 80,000,000 has been a monumental effort, but the safety of the American people is at risk and all efforts are being made to protect the innocent. Ms. Ice Cream was unable to say whether a list of the "innocent" had been made yet, but was certain that would be in the agency's future.
In other related news, Barrack O'Bomba again denied he is a communist and defended his approving of these security measures. The President also brought out his Nobel Peace Prize and showed off his ultra polish job on the actual trophy. After the orchestrated applause, the President smiled and started skipping with his children for a trip to Disney-world where he has a scheduled dinner meeting with Mickey and Mini and the Mouse Family.
The musical themes at Disney for O'Bomba's trip were listed as: "It's a strange world after all" and "Tomorrow land Has Arrived"
Reporting from some alien country,