The USA, which after nearly 500 years of English settlement has still to learn how to spell English correctly, today announced it was rushing mispronounciations of place names to Haiti in the Caribbean Sea.
Spotting a reason to make his feeble Presidency seem important to American TV viewers, Barack Obama announced: 'The entire world calls Haiti 'High-E-Tee' and its capital Port-au-Prince 'Port-O-Prance', except for my own insignificant country of the USA.'
'As Americans don't get taught any history, they don't know that Haiti was a French-speaking colony for many years and that 'prince' is not pronounced the English way. And calling Haiti 'Hate-E' sounds like a little child saying it, Haiti is a Spanish version of the original name Ayiti. Lucky I'm here to show the world just how knowledgeable Americans are about the - er - world, and don't just sit around watching TV news and believing it all.'
The USA is also sending lots of its soldiers to Haiti to enforce the mispronounciations - as they can't actually fight wars, they will now have some use for the first time in their history. Obama added:
'I - I mean we favor a constructive change of pronounciation, just to try and get the world noticing Americans and notice what I'm saying. We have called Great Britain 'Great' Britain, we have called the Caribbean the 'Car-ib-ean', and we have called Louisiana 'Somewhere I'd Rather Not Mention At All, Thank You Very Much'.'
Many across the English-speaking world were wondering why Americans don't simply teach their children how to speak and write words correctly, but then given that the USA has the Western world's worst health care system, the world's worst gun laws, the world's worst legal system and the world's worst politicians, they might as well have the world's worst education system as well just to round it all off nicely.
Oops, they already do. Just look at the spellchecker reddening half the correctly-spelt words here.