Written by Morse
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Topics: Economy, Beer, drinking

Thursday, 14 January 2010

image for A Crisis of Monumenal Proportions Hits UK As Supplies of Stella Artois Run Down Causing Panic Buying, Hoarding & Angst Amongst Spoof Staff!
"This Shit ain't Bad" says Spoofer After Stella Shortage Forces Oasis Bar & Grill to Import Pabst!

There is frenzied activity seen everywhere in this naval port city that not only survives on tourism, but the inordinate amount of Beer consumed by it's residents influenced by it's history of Hard Drinking Pirates, as it was announced there is a shortage of favourite beverage Stella Artois.

The Belgian Beer makers announced a 10% reduction in its labour force, sparking a strike amongst it's workers, thereby reducing the continuing flow of what one fan, Skoob 1999, said was "a kin to cutting off our life line! I mean Mate, what's a footie dust up without Stella to fuel a few fisticuffs, how can one watch a Susan Boyle concert without being absolutely snookered....I mean...Stella is everything to us Brits...and now this Snow Shit...a man's got to drink just to cope!"

Management at the New Oasis Bar & Grill, which has recently gone topless in it's third attempt at success, the previous two openings ended in failure due to extension of credit to out of work writers, poets and gigolos, is now being threatened again despite a waiting line at the door every day starting at 12 Noon.

"Without our Stella...well, we're just plain F****d," said accountant Hal A. Peno, "Stella consumption comprises 89% of our alcohol profits, which are relatively small in the overall picture, most of our money is made on TITS and the cover charge for the Pole Dancing Contests."

In order to make up the shortfall, which is hoped to be resolved shortly, Oasis Limited Partner Bargis Tryhol, and millionaire backer Fernando Monte Verde, have arranged an emergency shipment of vintage Pabst Blue Ribbon left over from the Viet Nam War era from stock piles still aging in climate controlled warehouses in Saigon.

"With a little marketing, " said Bargis, " this shit will be the new rage...Beer Aging for over 45 years in copper cans...man, that's VINTAGE!"

In a trade heralded by the British Government as 'thinking out of the box', tanker loads of Pabst have been arranged to arrive in Portsmouth by the end of the week, accompanied by Russian Ice Breakers to get through to the besieged town. In return the British Government and the Trade Commission has arranged to refill the Somali flagged freighters with Marmite, which has suddenly become all the rage in Viet Nam, although the majority of the product is scheduled to be trans shipped on to Thailand to accommodate a growing number of Brit Ex Pats 'who really missed being home.'

Said Journalist in Hiding, M. Woods, "It's no different being a minority here...I had the same feeling in Dudley...it's just that I can't get the same kind of stuff like Marmite I crave...if only to make me realize how lucky I was to get out of the UK in time.....and besides, That Pabst really isn't too bad when you drink enough of it...it's even helped me poetry!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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