Melbourne (AAP) is a remarkable city for many reasons, but most notable is the unusual behaviour of its criminals.
In a city of 3.5 million people, not a single Greek, Italian, Vietnamese, English, German or Anglo-Saxon person has been killed or subject to violent crime in the city for over 50 years. It is an almost unbelievable record.
This all changed recently and threatens to cause a major diplomatic incident. Melbourne's criminal element has gone on a murder spree. Their target is Indian students. Two have been killed so far.
The only reasonable conclusion is that all Melbournians are racist. "The logic is impeccable" said the Indian ambassador to Australia, Mr Barkingupthewrongtree. "You would be crazy not to see it".
Scientists at the CSIRO division for Media Releases and Shameless Self Promotion and the Co-operative Research Centre for Spin Doctoring are investigating the phenomenon. Professor Pseudonym-Peacock, a keen anonymous blogger and ambassador for Jenny Craig, said that he was baffled.
"I have no idea why so many curry munchers are being bumped off"
While the average Australian anthropologist can't even tell the difference between an Indian, Pakistani, Sri Lankan or any other south Asian race this has not stopped Melbourne criminals who obviously have a racially motivated axe to grind.
"So just how do violent criminal dickheads who hang about in parks at night, spaced out on heroin and speed single out Indians with such remarkable accuracy"? asks Professor Pseudonym-Peacock.
There is a theory that they use night vision equipment and curry sniffing dogs to locate their victims. This suggests that the attacks are highly organised. It is the first case of highly organised group of bogans causing social harm to the Victorian community since the founding of the Collingwood Football Club.
Even the police have sat up and taken notice of this and their clan Grand Wizard and Victorian Police Commissioner Mr Bruce Ruxton said that "Indian students should avoid unlit areas at night. It is far safer for them to work in florescent lit 7-11 stores at night where the community can keep an eye on them. It also makes it easier for older clan members to find them."
And that's the plan. Visas will be issued to all Indian students allowing them to work full time in supermarkets, 7-11 stores and solariums.
But the Grand Wizard warns the Indian community that they should not take matters into their own hands. "On no account should Indian students run around parks with feathers in their hair shooting at people with bows and arrows - Melbourne is not the wild west" said Mr Ruxton.
It was reported today that Prince Phillip made an off the record enquire to the Victorian Governor where he requested information on the bag limit and bore size currently permitted in Victoria.
On a positive note, weather in Melbourne is likely to stay warm into the start of winter if the Prince does pay us a visit. A real Indian summer!