Written by Kenneth Manboobs
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Friday, 24 September 2004

Afghanistan - Sources close to the world terror organization Al-Qaeda say that the group is planning a big move, literally. It appears that several of the group's top members are being forced to move by what they are calling "loud, irresponsible neighbors".

One Islamic militant website quoted one of the leaders, Ayman al-Zawahri, as saying he was, "sick and tired of those guys next door partying until all hours of the night." The website stated that Zawahri and a few other militants that share an apartment in a remote Afghan location were suffering from a lack of sleep and could barely stay awake long enough to plan lunch, much less any strategic attacks on Western interest.

The Islamic website identified the men as 26 year-old Chris Jones, from Tiffin, GA, and another American simply identified as "Griff". "They are on a stated quest," read the website, "to tour ‘around the world in eighty cases (of beer)'. They are disgusting pigs. We wish that they had never darkened our doorstep."

Such hatred for the two is apparently not widespread among the locals in Afghanistan. Sheep herder Abdul Dabi says that the boys have been a huge hit. "I love those guys," said Dabi, "last night we cleared out the fire place in Griff's apartment and broke every single bottle in the house."

Zawahri put his list of grievances with the two at approximately "an arms length". He has kept a running journal on a blog site that is updated daily. One excerpt reads: "I knew we had a problem on the first night. They began playing The Wall at about midnight and it must have repeated itself like seven times because it didn't get quite until the sun came up. Hey, I like Roger Waters as much as the next guy, but seven times? That morning when I went to confront them I found their door standing wide open and my porch furniture turned upside-down in their living room. It has progressively gotten worse as the weeks have passed."

The blog mentions incidents such as one on July 21st of this year when Jones came over to borrow a cup of sugar sans clothes.

"Parties are all too frequent," says one entry dated August 8th. "I am afraid I am losing my grip on the people here, they appear to enjoy the Americans far too much." Zawahri went on to comment about one particular incident in which Griff asked him if he knew any good way to get "gum" out of his pants. "I tried to remove what appeared to be chewing gum from the crotch of his trousers. Horribly it was not gum at all, but his scrotum that was pulled partially though a hole in his crotch."

While the official al-Qaeda website made no mention of a leadership move, local reports have Ryder moving vans loading up bedroom furniture and what is left of Zawahri's plant collection. "Chris got drunk and urinated on (Zawahri's) prize geraniums," said the source.

When reached by cell phone for this report Jones acknowledged that he had neighbors that were moving out, but declined to confirm their identities or if he had a direct role in the exodus. "All I can say is they're a bunch of (women). To hell with ‘em if they don't want to live here. We've got a kick ass slip ‘n slide set up for tonight, but we wouldn't want them to get any sand in their (womanhood) so I'm glad they're leaving. Maybe the next tenants will be hot."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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