May 29,1953. Nepal. The legendary abominable snowwoman was today spotted by New Zealand mountaineer Edmund Hillary, just before he reached the peak of Mount Everest with his guide Sherpa Tensing.
'It was a very frightening sight', Hillary said, using semaphore signalling flags from the mountain top, 'it kept pulling ghastly faces and making scary sounds and showing its huge teeth to us. We had both decided to give up getting to the top of Everest as it was too difficult, but the snowwoman's appearance meant we had no choice but to carry on or face a fate worse than death - having to spend an hour listening to it making horrendous-sounding noises and having to see those abominable faces.'
The first claimed sighting of the abominable snowwoman was in October, 1947, when an American psychic said he had seen one, and also made the prediction that in 6 years' time Edmund Hillary would climb Mount Everest, which came true today. And such was the mystic's influence on the gullible American public that thousands of them then named their new baby girls after Hillary. As it such a feminine-sounding first name to have, a bit like Adolfina or Hippopotamma or Rumplestiltskinette.
Speaking from a village in Macedonia, a visiting US Secretary of State doing whatever US Secretaries of State do - which is a total mystery to everyone - had this to say about the sighting. 'When I was in Nepal hunting for dragons, yes, I did see an abominable snowman, in fact eleven of them playing soccer against the Chinese Sniper Team.'
'And man', she continued, 'soon the Chinese starting firing at us! There were bullets everywhere, one of the snowmen needed urgent medical assistance so I ran out against orders with my special snowman medical supplies, then a UFO flew down and took the snowmen away up into -'
The American psychic predicted more sightings of the abominable snowwoman in places as far away as Jerusalem and Virginia, but urged people not to be scared of it. 'It's largely harmless', he said, 'it's only the noises it makes and dreadful faces it pulls that are very disturbing.'
The Chinese government refused to comment on Hillary's achievements - as there haven't been any since 1947.