Third-world dictatorships routinely condemn criminals in trials where the defendant is absent, but Kim Jong Il, the midget tyrant ruler of North Korea, has established a new international precedent.
Abel Rodriguez, Senior Reporter of The Spoof, earlier reported that the loathsome minuscule pederast wanted to marry Lohan, one of Hollywood's most beautiful bombshells.
In a simple, private ceremony, attended only by his cronies, boot-lickers, sycophants, and two billion admirers of N. Korea's 'dear leader', the tyrant married Lohan in absentia.
'This is only the first of the wives I intend to assemble into my harem', Kim said, while twenty children of between ten and twelve years of age were mowing his grass by hand, with scissors.
'Shortly, I will also marry Doris Day, Bette Davis, Nefertiti, and that one round-eye they had in the Star Wars movie', he added.
Lohan was not available for comment, but her publicist, Bart Bork, said she was 'glad to not be there' and found the 'little man to be repugnant and repellent.'
Bork added that, after traveling to North Korea to investigate Kim's amorous intentions, he found that Kim was a 'little man' in every way that a woman might otherwise find appealing.
Kim is a great admirer of Tiger Woods, who is reputed to have plundered the succulent charms of at least fourteen of the world's most curvaceous women.
'In the end', said Kim, 'I will have such a harem that even Tiger will envy me.'