The Navy's newest weapon to combat Somalian Pirates, and The Spoofs own Journalist on Counter Terrorism Activities, the amzain' Bionic Man, Frankie the J was recalled for some minor alterations to his weapon's system.
Frankie, the "J" is short for 'Jism" given to him when his playmates got tired of calling him by his birth name "Pre Mature Ejaculation" (PME- which shows on his DD 214 Military File), had volunteered for some extensive physical alterations when the Navy recently requested subjects for a new offensive plan to combat piracy on the high seas.
Frankie, by his own admission, was a little worse for wear after a life time of hard boozing, harder woman chasing, and more than a few dust ups while on shore leave, that left him feeling, not quite himself.
Navy Doctors promised to make him 'better than new', a frightening thought for those who knew 'J' as he was growing up in the hard scrabble of West Virginia's coal country. In the early days his picture was hung up outside of every Dairy Queen and Juke Joint by anxious mothers warning their nubile daughters of being lured into sin by the sweet talking, line dancing West Virginian 'Cowboy' who bragged that there wasn't a "Heifer in the country he couldn't ride till she screamed "Oh, God....I'm Coming Home, Jesus!"
After several operations, some of which led to unexpected consequences, like when 98% of his type O blood surged into his Penis when he was hung from his heels to experience the effects of being shot into space in the casing of a 105mm howitzer.
Then there was the incident when a Marine Prankster in the same ward pasted a sticker to 'J's" drip which said "DO NOT RESUSCITATE".
Luckily, Frankie was released alive, just in time for THE NEW YEAR!!!
Unfortunately, while trying out some of his new bionic parts programmed for "ESCAPE & EVASION" he discovered that most of the instructions had been written by a Japanese Linguist, Lyntonsan by name, whose pension for complicated words and convoluted syntax confused Frankie no end.
Seems that the hand held Bionic Command & Control module needed some more work as indicated by the mishaps listed below:
*Emergency Evacuation: Frankie immediately shit his pants with no warning.
*High Speed Car Chase: Frankie immediately ran out to the garage and started biting the tires on his Aston Martin
*Poison Gas Attack: I don't think we have to go there....go figure!
*Erect Tent: This was kind of humiliating, especially in mixed company at the end of year Christmas Party....
After a brief convalesces at home, Frankie is to be sent to the Los Alamos
Proving Grounds where his 'ultra short range bionic pocket rocket' will undergo rigorous testing for both accuracy and collateral damage.
In a New Year's Eve message to all his fans, Frankie said a few brief profane words to acknowledge the occasion:
"After 2009 and no piece of ass, bring on 2010...I'm so horny I feel like I could go off any minute!", a statement that brought a horde of Nurses running toward him yet again!