After yet another world beating New Year's firework display, with a blue theme, to reflect the blue skies and blue water of Australia, Sydney Harbour Bridge, that iconic symbol of Australia was today declared unsafe.
"Some bloody drongo boffin overloaded the bloody bridge with fireworks," Police Chief Bluey G'Daysheila explained. "There were just so many bloody fireworks going off that the heat brought into question the structural integrity of the old girl."
The firework display was amazing, with the customary cascade of fire from the road deck of the bridge, and rockets blasting off from the cantilever arch.
But not everybody was happy. Bridgemaster Wilton Grassblower told us:
"They made a right bloody goolies of that one. There were so many bloody fireworks, that generated so much heat that some of the rivets popped, and there was some buckling up in the steelwork."
Later in London, a man with a sparkler, a woman with a box of matches, and a circus fire eater put on a frankly not very impressive display.
More Hogmanay Hogwash as we get it.