Written by Morse
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Thursday, 31 December 2009

image for Football Coach Fired for Refusing to Let Tight End Come Out of Closet!
Closet Where Alleged Abuse of "Ocho Quatro" Occurred Leading to Abuse Charges of 'tight end'

Division 6 College Football Coach of the Year, Elmer 'Stuff 'em ' McFlintlock, who took the 'Red Peckers' to a state championship, and a pending TV bowl game, was fired today due to allegations he had unlawfully imprisoned a scholarship player who refused to study, shower with the guys, and cheated during push up drills.

McFlintlock denied all allegations, claiming it was the result of lingering bad feelings when he renegotiated his contract last year for $48m , a campus mansion, a second home in Big D, limo service, and a pre-paid cell phone.

The contract, the biggest in the history of Division 6, but not near the record set in Division I by SC Coach Steve Spurrier, was said to involve the cutting of half the curriculum at WoodPecker Hollow University, and the permanent layoff of 35 faculty and staff, even though they received full pension and health care benefits for life during the union negotiated buy out.

The player, identified as only "Ocho Quatro", complained that he was being singled out for 'not being part of the program', and whined that his failing grades were not due to his refusing to attend class, but due to a faulty alarm clock given to him by a Red Pecker Booster during an outing at Hooters.

McFlintlock, according to present and past players, was a stern disciplinarian who forced his players to attend class, study, and refrain from self abuse, aided by the Booster Club which provided the starting lineup 'Graduate Assistants" guaranteed to 'keep morale up.!"

Ocho Quatro's lawyers claim McFlintlock put their client in an air conditioned closet, turned out the lights, and locked the door and told him he 'couldn't come out' until he got his 'head straight', and pledged to attend class, stop abusing himself, and get over his phobia of refusing to pick up soap dropped in the shower by the offensive linemen.

The ACLU is now said to have gotten into the act, claiming, "Coach wouldn't have acted this way if Ocho Quatro was BLACK!"

A supporter of the coach was heard to mutter, "This wouldn't have happened if the ass hole learned his routes, and caught a few passes ...Tight End My Ass....!" (ed note: pardon the pun)

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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