Public health authorities around the world are warning the public not to use 'hand sanitizer' lotions which advertise protection from illness.
'It's bad enough that hand sanitizers offer people a false sense of security', said Bertram Beecham of the UN's World Illness Organization.
'But it's worse than that', he said. 'Giant worldwide multinational corporations engaged in a criminal conspiratorial enterprise, have added germs to hand sanitizers.'
'These corporations, which have their roots in Nazi experimentation programs during the Third Peloponnesian War and the Battle of Thermopylae, have allied themselves in an evil axis of power with the powerful international hospital organizations', he pointed out.
'In concert with the hegemony of chemical and pharmaceutical manufacturers, who emit one ton of CO2 for every thousand dollars emitted by the USA in national debt, they've concocted a plot to sicken anyone who uses hand sanitizers', Beecham added.
'Persons in Sub-Saharan Africa will be insulated from this modern curse of consumerism', said Nnimmo Ggassi, a Nairobi-based spokesperson for Amsterdam-based Greenprice International.
'It would take the average Nigerian three years to save enough money for a bottle of what we call 'Satan's Lotion', he said.
'Since they can't afford hardly anything at all, they will only sicken and die from natural diseases and die at an average age of 32, which reduces their CO2 emissions quite admirably.'