Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, who is alleged to have tried to blow up a Northwest Airlines flight from Amsterdam to Detroit on Christmas Day, says it's all a bad mistake.
'It was a mix-up in the laundry', Abdulmutallab said during a press briefing.
According to allegations, Abdulmutallab attempted to detonate a bomb sewn into his underwear while Flight 253 was coming in for a landing.
'I had a lump in my pants all the way from Yemen to Amsterdam to Detroit', he said. 'I merely thought I had the same problem as Tiger Woods, but when I went to itch my groin, it started fizzing and smoking.'
'At that point', he said, 'it occurred to me that Tiger Woods never had a woodie problem this bad, and became suspicious. But then all the flight attendants just went nuts.'
Abdulmutallab comes from a prosperous Nigerian banking family, who live on $12 a day, four times the national average. Family members are used to having maids and other servants do the laundry in exchange for roots and berries.
'My underwear goes out, my underwear comes back', Abdulmutallab said. 'My cousin, his nephew, and his other brother and other nephew were all staying at the house. One of them was probably going to blow up a public urinal or a pay phone or something, and I got the explosive underwear by accident.'
While investigations continue, Abdulmutallab is complaining about his nick-names.
'Some are calling me 'the Underbomber', 'Suicide Fart', or 'Lightning Pants', he said. 'Some even call me 'Fizzle Dick'. These prison names are awful. But at least the inmates keep away from me in the showers. I even dropped my bar of soap several times without incident.'