Written by Helen Tarnation

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Sunday, 27 December 2009

image for Neo-liberals: nearly half of all people are ABOVE average
Do these shoes fit? You might be above or below average.

Neo-liberals around the world are reacting ferociously against news announced on The Spoof of the discovery that 'nearly half of all people are below average'.

The discovery was made by Devin Devlin, a population statistician with the University of Mudbury.

'While his results are mathematically correct', said Gary Greenlea, a professor of political science at the University of Mudbury, 'his interpretation borders on the inaccurate.'

Greenlea said that the riots around the world which resulted from Devlin's discovery show how wrong the interpretation is.

'As a matter of fact', Greenlea said, 'Devlin's calculations show that nearly half of all people, 49.999 percent of them, to be precise, are actually above average.'

'What is more', he added, 'this is incontrovertible proof of the prosperity brought on by the government's neo-liberal policies. If anything, this is cause for celebration, rather than for rioting.'

Greenlea's announcement sent neo-liberals into the street, where they were met by rioters.

Mass mayhem resulted when the below-average minorities clashed with the above-average 'minority elites'.

Those with larger shoe sizes were assaulted by mobs with small feet, while long-hairs battled with short-hairs in front of frizzy-haired onlookers.

'The battle lines have been drawn between all those above average and below average', said Sean McDonagal, whilst hiding in his basement.

'It's now come down to minority versus minority, and everyone knows, minorities fight like cornered rats.'

'I'll come out when the fighting is over', he added. 'I have red hair, a limp, and drive a 1969 Volkswagen Beetle. Either side, if there are sides at all, would likely bludgeon me to death.'

SHOCKING BREAKING NEWSFLASH UPDATE! 'Below average' minorities clash in street brawls with 'above average' minorities. It may come down to shoe size or hair color!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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