Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth's Christmas speech was ruined by Pope Benedict this year, when the Pontiff hired a young woman to leap out and push him over in St. Peter's, Rome. And so he got all the main headlines, and was sitting chortling to himself all day today.
'We are not amused by Mr. Ratzinger's little trick he played', she said from her bungalow in Berkshire, 'the German swine! Everyone's talking about it, and he didn't even bother to change the script from last year, when the same girl jumped out on the same day in the same church and gave him a wee push! I mean, a bit blatant, is it not?'
And her husband Prince Philip added: 'I'm surprised the Pope didn't get his anti-aircraft gun out and shoot the silly young filly down in flames! I would have! Blasted krauts, always wanting all the attention, dressing up in uniforms and blaming other people for all their troubles in front of crowds of thousands!'
Pope Benedict himself merely laughed at the Queen's complaint. 'Hey, that's in revenge for your great, great, great wotsit chucking us out of England in the 1500s! The Roman Catholic Church has an empire that will last a thousand years, though not in England, the treacherous sheissekopfs!'
Her Majesty had wanted to say the following during her speech, though Downing Street hadn't allowed her to: 'We think of those who are less fortunate than ourselves at this time of the year, those who are down to their last four castles. But we have no sympathy for His Silliness in Rome, him and his palace indeed! We rule the Protestant world, and beat youse during the Reformation, so ner ner ner ner ner, ya bam!'
But even Protestants in the United Kingdom paid no attention to her speech this year, though many in bad taste were celebrating the Pope's little stunt with mirth.
'There will be no Pope here!', said the Reverend Ian Paisley from Belfast, 'but if there has to be a Pope somewhere then at least if he falls over while dressed as my grandmother it gives us all a good laugh!' Jesus Christ had no comment to make about the incident, as he is dead.