Potential suicide bomber Ali Von Bastard was stopped dead in his tracks today by his mom as he set out to wreak havoc on the world.
"And where do you think you're going dressed like that?" Mrs Von Bastard called from the kitchen as she prepared dumplings.
"I was just going for a walk Mom," Ali Von Bastard told his mother.
"Not in that outfit you're not," Mrs Von Bastard declared. "There's a mustard stain on the cuff, and some ketchup on the front..."
"Oh Mom..." Von Bastard squeaked feebly.
"Don't you 'Oh Mom' me young man," Mrs Von Bastard exclaimed. "What will the neighbours think? Did you ever think about that? Did you ever think about the effect that would have on the family image? Mustard and ketchup stains? What kind of message do you think that conveys? Eh?"
At which point, Ali Von Bastard shrugged resignedly, and emitted a gentle squeak.
"And look at all those sticks of dynamite around your waist. They're covered in dust and shit. Let me get the Hoover out."
Ali Von Bastard then got serious.
"Mom," he told his Mom. "I'm just about to sacrifice my life for no better reason than there'll be loads of virgins waiting for me in heaven."
"You got a point there kid," quipped Mrs Von Bastard. "Sure ain't no bitch gonna jump your sorry bony ass in this life. But clean the dynamite first."
"okay Mom," Ali Von Bastard told his Mom.
"And make sure you have a real close shave. And use after shave lotion. You know son, when you detonate a waist full of dynamite, semtex, or whatever - it blows your head clean off. Sometimes it blasts it thirty or forty feet away. And we don't want an unshaven stubbly martyr in the family do we?"
"No Mom. We don't," Ali Von Bastard admitted.
"And make sure you wear clean underwear son," Mrs Von Bastard added. "There's nothing more degrading to a family than having a suicide bomber with skid marks in his undies."
"Righto Mom," said Ali Von Bastard.
Did he do it?
We don't know, but we promise to bring you...
More as we get it.