Written by susan allen-rosario
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Topics: Scotland, Green

Friday, 10 September 2004

image for Interview with The Loch Ness Monster
"Please don't call me Nessie."

Inverness, Scotland - Townsfolk of Inverness, Scotland got quite a shock this week, when a big green, three-eyed monster claiming to be the "Loch Ness Monster" appeared at a local clothier, requesting to be fitted for a "suit".

"It's not everyday, we fit a big green monster for a tweed jacket, but it's hard to be shocked these day, " said the shop owner, Madison Macfink. "He was very specific about what he wanted. He chose a nice gold and kelly green tweed that went smashingly, with his natural coloring, especially his eyes, all three of them."

Apparently he wanted to look good for an interview he had scheduled with reporters. "I'm finally coming out of the Loch Ness," said Mr. Ness (the name he prefers to be called.) "I've been down there for hundreds of years, away from everything, looking at the same six-hundred feet of water, day after day after day. It made me a little nuts after awhile. I think I have Loch Ness fever." (A disorder similar to cabin fever, caused by being confined to a Loch, a form of psychosis.) "Besides, I just couldn't sit back and take the abuse anymore," he said.

When asked about "what" abuse, he said, "Oh, please, they are calling me ‘Nessie' for Pete's sake. A pretty mandy-pandy name for a big green monster, wouldn't you say?
In the brochure, they have me listed as being 40ft. long, which is a crock. I'm 9ft, 4inches on a good day. One thing that they were right about, I was down there all alone."

He said that he is working with a lawyer on getting a percentage of the profits from "Nessie" souvenirs for himself. "Just the T-shirt sales alone should bring me some serious cash. The only cash I have now is the money that people have been throwing into the lake for good luck. I saved it all, I had no place to spend it."

Regarding his future plans, Mr. Ness said he is advertising for a roommate to share a flat in the city. "After living in the country for so long, I thought I'd give urban dwelling a try. I'm pretty set in my ways, but I'll do my best to adjust."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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