Written by Rebut
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Topics: Scientists, Language

Wednesday, 8 September 2004

image for Dinosaur Sensation
The cave is just over there on the right.

Scientists working alongside palaeontologists in Mexico have discovered matter which can be converted into sound. This has been downloaded and handed to language experts who have translated the same. The extract below is thought to be taken a week after the asteroid hit Yucatan, Mexico 65 million years ago and occasioned the DInosaur's extinction.

It is taken from a gathering of Tyrannosaurus Rex in what seems to be a cave set aside for religous devotion, along the lines of a church. Outside huge mud clouds from the asteroid crashing to Earth would blot out the sun and drop tempratures dramatically.

Please be aware that 65 million years ago the Earth was slightly different to today and a T-Rex, master of his age is not quite the parallel of modern day humans.

The church appears to be the forum to discuss religous and other issues of the day. In this translation the Right Rev. John Kerry (or as close as we could get his name) is addressing congregants. We join straight after the morning prayer.....

"...and when I said let he who is without sin cast the first stone, I sure as f*ck didn't have this in mind!! What were we thinking Dinosaurs?!! Have any of you been outside? It's FREEZING!!"

".....and what is more we've been through this before haven't we?!! And didn't we assign Dinosaur Blix to see whether any of you clowns were in possession of rocks and boulders?!! Of course we did!! We did so because we all recall the Grand Canyon cock up and agreed that should never happen again."

"I don't know why I bother!! Every week it's the same old thing : We get together say prayers and vow to grow as Dinosaurs....then you lot tear out of here and massacre everything in sight. I mean what is the f*cking point in trying to teach restraint when every week I get trampled underfoot in the stampede to leave?!!"

"You at the back...yes you...do you mind not destroying the cave? You aren't the only one who needs to use it...some day perhaps a being who bin Laden with problems shall seek refuge here...bad enough they throw rocks without destroying the bloody cave!!"

"Couple of announcements : The Dinosaurs from number 4 are expecting a baby in the Spring...which HARDLY LOOKS BLOODY LIKELY AT THE MOMENT!!! Anyhow well done the pair...or that fellow from number 6...well done everyone on that one..."

"As you can all see we need to collect for repairs to the cave roof. That rock has done it no good at all so the committee has decided to put in a new roof. We all agree that Late Jurassic is all the rage at the moment so I won't have the crap the members of the 7th Day Anatotitans threw up. It looks like a cross between a Torosaurus and Ankylosaurus (obviously the humour has been lost in translation)."

"For those interested in sports the T-Rex Packers lost in the best of seven Bad Breath World Series meetings with the Didelphodon Dreck. I don't know how many times I have to tell you ....eat stale eggs, Dinosaurs....now we'll have them lording it over us for a year!"

"On the elections coming up I would merely make an observation. It does not help anyone if you eat the winning candidates that you don't like!! I mean why bother if you're just going to eat the Dinosaurs anyway? If we're going to turn this into some sort of dictatorship then all that's going to happen is that the leader will land up on the run and down some spidey hole".

"...right stand and bow your heads...Oh Great Postosuchus of the Late Triassic...help us this day of great cold.AND DARKNESS....help us to survive and prosper in the name of the Coelophsis, the Cynodont and the Placerias...."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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