Written by Helen Tarnation
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Tuesday, 15 December 2009

image for Fatalities in protest over solar power
Winner of 'Greenest Protester' award, shortly before shock slaying over solar power

COPENHAGEN - At the international Climate Summit in Copenhagen, advocates of global cooling clashed with advocates of solar power, resulting in at least 43 deaths and the hospitalization of 18 others.

Outside the Climate Summit, members of the Cool It Now Network (CINN) were peaceably carrying placards demanding the erection of an Earth-orbiting 'parasol' that would prevent the Sun's damaging rays from reaching the Earth, thereby putting the brakes on runaway force-feedback climate-catastrophic global warming.

Things were going well, until the Photovoltaic Army (PA) showed up, bearing placards announcing the 'clean, green' aspects of solar power. 'Electricity from Sunshine', said one. Another: 'Sunlight is Bright'.

When the two groups met on the street, things turned ugly.

The PA discovered that, if the CINN won 'the debate', sunlight would be blocked, and solar power would be doomed. Conversely, the CINN discovered that, if the PA won, their hopes for an orbital parasol would be out the window.

Amid howls and screams of 'liar', 'cretin', 'energy whore', 'denialist', 'scum', 'freak', and, inexplicably, 'polar bear', they fell upon each other in an orgy of unsurpassed violence.

Arterial blood flew in crimson arcs through the wintry air, with a background of grunts and groans, as the marchers struggled to reach each others' vitals with improvised weapons, or even bare hands, punctuated by the occasional ululating scream that so often precedes a violent death.

'Quite an excellent display of democracy', said a representative of Greenprice International. 'This is the finest hour of civil society. All too often, matters such as these are left to the polling booths, which are attended by citizens whose minds have been polluted by personal financial interests.'

'By the way', he added, 'one of our green-minded, generous donors made it possible for us to supply the PA with switchblades. It's good to have a public debate, but it's even better, when it's decisive.'

'Besides', he added, 'this is a completely win-win situation for the Earth. Al Gore's Climate Trust Fund has investments in both solar power and the parasol project.'

For now, it is unknown whether the PA or the CINN won the debate.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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