'Our perspective on the world's climate has been consistently ignored by the AGW (anthropogenic global warming) climate consensus', says Jill Morgenstern, the CEO of the 'Our Planet Has A Fever Project' (OPHAFP).
'All these people are running around at the Copenhagen Summit, wringing their hands about global warming, but they all miss the entire point', she said.
'What they don't realize, is that we represent the real intention of the entire process.'
'Scientists have conclusively proved, beyond all shadow of any reasonable doubt, that a warm Earth is a bad place to be', she said. 'We have a planetary emergency. We have to cool this place down real fast, or we're in real trouble.'
Asked about mass extinctions that occurred during the last Ice Age, and the resource wars fought during the most recent Little Ice Age, Morgenstern said that those were simply 'natural cycles' that we don't need to worry about.
'The consensus of scientists is that a colder planet is better', she said, 'and if you want to deny that glaciers crushing the life out of North America is a good idea, that just means you're a denialist.'
Asked to explain the Medieval Optimum, when the Earth was warmer than today, when civilization -- and farming -- flourished as far north as Greenland, she said, 'Yeah, and that's when the Roman Empire fell and the Christians took over. It sounds like you're on the Christian payroll. I hear that Exxxxxxon is mostly run by Christians. You're a shill on their payroll. I bet you're even a Christian.'
'And this time of year', she added, 'you Christians tend to come out of the woodwork, anyhow.'
Helen Tarnation, reporting from the sidelines of the Copenhagen Summit.
NEWSFLASH UPDATE: 'Climate zombies' have cleared out downtown Copenhagen, but seem to be avoiding the buildings where delegates are meeting. There is a growing consensus that the zombies are avoiding the interiors of heated buildings, because the heat will accelerate the decomposition of the zombies' rotting flesh. Climate delegates are demanding that the thermostats be turned up to repel the zombies. As one delegate said, 'I don't care if you burn coal, peat, or thermonuclear waste to heat this place. Just keep them damned cold, slimy zombies out of here!'