President Adolf Hitler has said Germany must uphold moral standards when waging wars that are necessary and justified, as he accepted his Nobel Peace Prize in Oslo.
In his speech he defended the role of Germany in the Soviet Union, arguing the use of force could bring lasting peace. He also said his achievements were slight compared to previous winners.
Herr Hitler was given the prize in October for his 'extraordinary efforts to strengthen international fascism and co-operation between capitalist states, and then to use propaganda to dress it all up as diplomacy and peace'.
He was also commended for using death squads on an unprecedented scale, carpet-bombing civilians, and openly conquering countries across the world to plunder oil, opium and mineral deposits, but to then call it 'morally justified', thus letting the judges breathe a huge sigh of relief, and cross out 'mass-murdering hypocritical death merchant' and replace it with 'a man of peace on an awesome scale. And thank you for that million Reichsmark bribe, Adolf!'
Hitler then paid tribute to some of the previous laureates. 'Dr. Martin Luther King was a great man of peace', he said, 'but I can't help but think that Malcolm X was rather overlooked by the judges. If he had had a few good breaks he would have launched a campaign of car bombs and assassinations across America, though all justified and moral, naturally.'
'And I pay tribute to Mother Teresa for her excellent work for the homeless in India. And yet if she had armed them and declared war on the rich creating a bloodbath involving millions of Indians, that would surely have been a more peaceful move.'
But critics have asked how Herr Hitler's decision last week to send in another 300,000 Wehrmacht and SS soldiers into Russia and the Ukraine squares with him getting a peace award, as his own country has never been slightly threatened by those two countries.
'They are there to make peace', he replied, 'the problems have only happened when terrorists and hooligans there attack our brave peacemakers, using the excuse that they don't like their countries being invaded and destabilised and carpet-bombed and, er, invaded. Ridiculous!', to rounds of applause from the Nobel dynamite manufacturers gathered there to hear his speech.
And working himself up into one of his famous bullshitting vacuous childish speeches, full of apple pie and baloney, he continued: 'Let us not try and deceive people here that this is anything but invasion and colonialism on an impressive and murderous scale, but let us of course fool Americans into believing it's really about 'peace' and 'democracy'.'
'Which proves Americans are about 200 years behind Europeans, ha ha ha ha! We did it all 200 years ago and didn't pretend it was anything else, now the Americans are hunting around for our colonial scraps and claiming it is for 'peace'. Children here wouldn't listen to such sheisse!'
At that the American representative Joseph 'Nazi' Kennedy rose to not complain, but to return to America to buy up lots of newspapers and movie houses 'to brain-wash the dullards there into believing all this horseshit'. Herr Hitler continued: 'We have founded a Reich that will last a thousand years! We have stamped down on the Muslim threat, we have crushed the independence of the Arab world.'
'Well, we have tried to, but seeing as we've never won a war even against Vietnam we've said we've crushed them on US TV. And this Prize will help them all to sleep safely at night now. The people that believe a tooth fairy comes along at night and waves a wand, and then in the morning if an American President gets some feeble prize it's ok now, mommy, the US is really really powerful. Great comedy! Charlie Chaplin should be their next President, he has brains and dignity compared to those shower of Muppets!'
And Hitler ended his speech with a prediction. 'I have listened to Reichsfuhrer Himmler's astrological advice, and I can now say this. In fifty years' time it will no longer be the Reich invading nation after nation for gold and power and openly boasting of it, a Reich led by a glorious Fuhrer.'
'It will be an overseas nation that can't win wars trying to invade nation after nation and never defeating them, but plundering some of their wealth before having to retreat yet again, and not boasting of it but bleating about it really being 'for peace'. All led by an insincere teenager who has about as much understanding of the world as Eva does. Seig Heil!', and the audience of Swedish collaborateurs all rose to give Hitler the Nazi salute, and to laugh merrily at the United States of America taking themselves and their powerless President seriously.
ABC News and CNN of course reported this as all proof that rather than the President funding evil wars killing thousands of innocent people across the world for oil and opium, he was really doing it out of love for peace and mankind. And Americans all lived happily ever after. With no consciences.