ARLINGTON - Emails and other documents leaked from the US Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) reveal that the spy agency is behind the current 'Climategate' scandal -- but in a very roundabout way.
The information was stolen by a hacker from CIA computers and posted on a Russian website. A CIA spokesperson, who declined to be identified, confirmed the computer break-in, as well as the authenticity of the data.
The earlier Climategate documents reveal climate scientists 'cooking the books' to make their temperature data appear to confirm what their computer models were telling them should exist, and doing so quite ineptly. However, with the leaked CIA emails, it becomes apparent that the scientists were consistently confounded because the scientists thought they were investigating 'natural' weather patterns.
The scientists were not, in fact, investigating natural weather patterns because the CIA has been directly tampering with the climate for at least two decades.
'First these dimwits called it global cooling, then they called it global warming, and then they called it climate change, because they don't really know what they're talking about', gloats one of the emails. 'If these pointy-headed scientists ever found out what we're up to, they'd all be out of their jobs.'
Details about the secret CIA manipulation of the weather are sketchy, but there are scattered references to 'Project Eos', which seems to involve radio waves tuned to specific frequencies. Supposedly, one frequency aligns CO2 molecules in the atmosphere vertically, allowing more heat from the Sun to reach the Earth. Another frequency aligns the molecules horizontally, trapping the heat below. Given proper timing and duration, this can be used to cause droughts or hurricanes at the government's convenience.
'These buffoons would be surprised to learn that it was CO2 all along', cackles another email. 'Sure it's CO2, it's just that they don't know why.'
This may or may not be welcome news to those who have advocated the 'man-made' theory of climate change.
'This is not how I intended to be vindicated', said Hal Bore. 'I mean, I knew it was man-made climate change, and I knew it was CO2, but this isn't what I really had in mind'.
In the wake of these revelations, US President Obama and other world leaders canceled plans to attend the Copenhagen Climate Summit.
'There's no reason for the summit anymore', Obama said. 'Now that everyone knows the US is firmly in control of the world's climate, we can move on to other business.'