The U.S. National Traffic Safety Board (NTSB) in conjunction with the British Association for Road Traffic Safety and Management (ARTSM), have uncovered a conspiracy to defraud tax payers of road maintenance budget funds.
Outlined by Bobby "Bug" Splattery from the NTSB, the ten year fraudulent activity occurred on most Interstate road systems in the U.S. and several cross country road systems in the UK. "We found deep, sharp edged evidence to suggest that road repair contractors and tire manufacturers were engaged in a plot to simultaneously inflate tire sales as well as additional contracts for pot hole repair".
Splattery's press conference included photographic evidence showing road contractors fixing pot holes during the day, and then creating new holes at night. Cancelled checks from tire manufacturers prove kickbacks were paid to these contractors for any spot increases in tire sales caused as a result of pot hole damage.
"Defendants in each case are already mounting a defense in the press", says Splattery, "But there are holes in their claims. There is a chasm of difference between their stories and what we believe to be the explosive truth."
Attorneys for the NTSB and ARTSM hit the pavement in superior courts both here in the U.S. and the UK next week. "We're pretty sure that once the evidence of fraud is revealed, defendants will be left feeling as deflated as many of our tax payer's tires", says Splattery.
Surprisingly, not all consumer groups were in favor of any attempt to fix the myriad of holes on our road systems. Vinny Swervin, Head Cork Soaker at the Swervin Wine Company bottling plant also edits a newsletter titled, "Driving Just Under the Limit". He claims that the endless streams of pot holes are actually a safety feature for his special interest group. "After a night of modest drinking, they actually act like rumble strips keeping you awake on the drive home".
Other groups including The Association for Better Denture Adhesive, disagree. Retired chewing gum tester and secretary for the ABDA, Alfred Loosegums tells reporters, "We're tired of keeping our mouths closed on all road trips. One good jolt and I'm scampering to scoop my top plate off the floor."
The case known as the "Pothole Perfidy" begins next Monday.