Santa Claus, beardy bundle of Chrimbo fun and present giver to the good, has released a press statement this morning through his PR agent, Murky Dyke.
"My client wants it to be known that with Christmas looming, he feels it only right to give the bad and naughty children of the world a fair chance of getting presents."
"Mr Claus has become seriously disillusioned of late, with the overbearing and holier-than-thou attitude of the so called 'good' children," says Dyke, "he feels they are looking down on the other children in a pious and pompous way, and it's about time they started acting like children, not librarians."
Dyke continues, "children, by their very nature, should be getting muddy and walking it through the house on the new carpet, they should be climbing trees and breaking off the branches, they should be stealing crisps and chocolates from the cupboard when mum's not looking, playing knock and run, hiding vegetables down the back of the sofa so they can have pudding because they ate all their dinner!"
"These, to Mr Claus' mind, are real children, not the little saints who are polite and do nothing wrong all year," said Dyke. So for the first year ever, and a real break in tradition, Santa will only be giving presents to little shit's not saintly sod's.
So kids, if you've been good all year, you've lucked out. You ain't getting a thing this year!
Remember, good guy's finish last, you little goody two shoes!