Written by Dan DiLucchio
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Thursday, 26 August 2004

UPI, Salt Lake City, Utah. The U. S. Department of Homeland Security has announced the infiltration and break up of a strategic, and violent, al Queda sleeper cell in the western United States. The cell, located in Salt Lake City, Utah has been dormant and awaiting instructions from Usama bin Laden for over 50 years. The cell consisted of 5 Islamic males posing as Roman Catholic nuns affiliated with the Sisters of the Pedestrian Walkway. The cell "Sisters", in place since the early 1950s, have been teaching elementary students in Our Lady of the Apostolic Vendetta.

Parishioners became suspicious of the nuns when they discovered that Korans were slowly replacing catechisms in the school curriculum. "I knew there was trouble," said Mary Ellen O'Leary, mother of a 2nd grader, "when the word ‘god' was banned. Then little Mary Margaret's Catholic school uniform was replaced with a burka. Finally all the children were heard chanting ‘Allah is great'. After three years of this behavior, I knew something was wrong and reported it to Father Sullivan, our pastor. The warden was kind enough to make certain that my letter to the good Father got through the security filters at the rehabilitation facility without a problem."

The cell members seemed almost relieved by the arrest. "Praise be to Allah," Mustapha Josphaf Mohammed cried, "I though we would die in those habits. Couldn't they have sent someone to relieve us? We have been saved!"

Weapons and other materials of mass destruction were found in the convent used by the cell. In addition to 12-inch rulers used to beat the knuckles of Christian students caught using the word ‘god', rifles, explosives, and Celine Dion CDs were confiscated.

The cell has been labeled one of the most dangerous in the country. "These men have been dressed like nuns since the ‘50s," said Tom Ridge, Director of Homeland Security, in what may be one of his last official statements, "wouldn't you be poised for extreme violence? They wanted to take their anger out on someone - anyone."

The Utah Mormon community was outraged. "I told you this would happen if we left these radical faiths into our state," said Joseph Smith, XXVII, a distant relative of the Mormon founder. Rumors in the Mormon community have been circulating which suggest that additional sleeper cells may be embedded in the community. At the moment, intensive FBI background checks of members of the famous Tabernacle Choir have been ordered. Preliminary results show that some of the singers actually trained with terrorist choirs in Afghanistan.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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