Johannesburg, Wednesday (Rioters) - Baroness Thatcher had to be resuscitated by MI6 emergency services this morning as she broke down at the news that her son Sir Mark Thatcher had been arrested at his Cape Town home and charged with financing a coup in Equitorial Guinea.
The news follows a series of revelations that mercenaries involved in the plot have confessed to federal prosecutors in Zimbabwe that Sir Mark was merely carrying out his mother's orders following her imminent bankruptcy petition after losing all her lifetime savings - along with Chile's General Pinochet - at the Riggs Bank, a US laundering facility run by President Bush's uncle Jonathan Bush. Further, that Equitorial Guinea's President Obiang had lost $500 million in sequestered personal accounts held at Riggs that US Undersecretary for Defence Dov Zakheim had siphoned off to facilitate a smooth whitewash of courtroom claims in Kabul by other mercenaries, led by Jonathan Idema, that they had been hired by the Riggs CEO to find Osama and claim the $25 million bounty in order to pay off fines imposed on Riggs after the Pinochet moneylaundering fiasco became public.
This morning, in a series of startling revelations it emerged that Sir Mark had been provided with funds of over £2 million by ex-Tory party chairman and perjury jailbird Jeffrey Archer who had boasted that his personal chairty fundraising efforts after the first Gulf War had raised £57 million to give to the beleagured Kurds in Northern Iraq. No trace has ever been found of this alleged charity money. However, Archer has been sued in the UK courts by Ahmad Chalabi who has alleged in public that Archer had "either stashed it under his matterass" or given it to Iyad Allawi to finance his Autumn 2004 world lecture tour that is to culminate in a personal address to the UK's Labour Party Conference in Brighton next month.
Meanwhile, back in London, Conservative Party Central Office was besieged with phone calls asking if Sir Mark had any links to the Labour Government's Public/Private Finance Initiative that normally organises such ventures concerned with the takeover of foreign sovereign states that had more oil than common sense, like Iraq. The Initiative, which is the brainchild of Tony Blair's Middle East Envoy Lord Levy, has been reported as eyeing up Iran as its next potential target and recent reports have noted that the Prime Minister's wife Cherry Bush QC is to undertake her own personal world lecture tour later this year to rally support for this latest wheeze.
Jeffrey Archer was unavailable for comment this morning but his wife Mary, the noted chemistry professor famed for her ricin recipies in The Taleban Cookbook, was said to be livid and filing for a judicial separation from her colorful spouse.
Sir Mark Thatcher is 51.