Some of Saddam Hussein's former police officers are due to start a new life in America -- as Bush Florida campaign workers . When he left Iraq, Paul Bremer is believed to have tapped his "favorite Iraqis" for the task, and arranged for expedited green card status for them. About 20 such ex-police are due to arrive in Tampa later this week.
"We're delighted that we have so many experienced new staffers who really know their stuff," commented Aleezya Payne, a Bush campaign official. "Not only did these guys regularly get the voters to the polls in Baghdad with a 99% turnout rate in five elections running, they delivered a better than 98% voting rate for the incumbent. And that's what democracy's all about, isn't it?"
When asked about the relative lack of English ability of the new Iraqi poll workers, Payne shrugged. "You've got to understand, the people we're getting to the polls probably won't speak English that well, either. Hell, the guy they're voting for doesn't speak English that great. It's not a real problem, is it now?" Pulling out a billfold, Payne pointed to it and added, "and we have a universal language." A chuckle. "And then these new guys have their own ways of persuading voters, which they're calling the 'Saddam Surprise Package'. They're not telling us too much about it right now, but they reckon it's going to get those bums off their butts and voting the right way in November. Did I just say "bums"? Is that thing still running? You're not going to print that, are you?"
When asked about the pay being offered to the Iraqi workers by the Bush campaign, Payne replied, "We're going to give them 2-day passes to Disneyworld if they do the job right. One said he'd sooner go to the Inaugural, but we told him that going to see Goofy was much the same. Food -- well, they're going to have to get to like grits and fried chicken. We went down to the local McDonald's to see about some sheep's eyeballs, but they told us that Federal health regulations wouldn't allow it. "
White House staffers refused to comment, but a national Bush campaign spokesman commented, "Guess George did the right thing after all, invading Iraq, don't you reckon?"