Forget 'Chupacabras', the dreaded 'goat suckers' that strike fear into the hearts of most South Americans, for there is now even a greater threat for the World's Overweight Population: Pishtacos!
Law enforcement agents in Lima today discovered what has been known for over 3 decades, a group of entrepreneurs have been slaughtering civilians in order to render their fat for the valuable ingredients for many European anti-aging cremes!
Rural inhabitants for years could not explain, nor did officials care, that hundreds of people went missing every year, some found with their extremities removed, and all traces of body fat missing.
It wasn't until an undercover team penetrated the group of "fat suckers", that it was discovered that there was a lucrative market for human body fat, $60,000 per gallon, mostly in the European Manufacturing Market, and the products distributed across the world to those who could afford it.
According to laboratory reports, human body fat is the secret to stop aging in human skin, when added to additional ingredients such as Whale Blubber,
Jalapeno Peppers, Baby Seal Sperm and Marmite.
While never before discussed in the World's News Media, many famous personalities such as Larry Kink(sic), Barbara Walters, Joan Rivers , Nancy Pelosi, Burt Reynolds and Silvio Berlusconi have been using the product for years under different labels.
Apparently, many celebrities did not know about the product, and since it has been revealed personalities such as Camilla Parker Bowles , Janet Napotilano Hillary Clinton, Sonia Sotomayor and Alan Greenspan have been clamoring to be put on the international mailing list for the miracle product.
Reports surfacing from Hollywood, still not confirmed, claim that Hannah Montana and Hannah Dakota have been using the products for years, and that both 'teenage' stars are both late into their 30's, and definitely 'not virgins!"
French manufacturers of the products are concerned that groups of Pishtacos will now show up all over the US, which has a preponderance of 'fat asses', and increased rendering will drive the price of human fat down, impacting prices and returns to stock holders.
In news from Capitol Hill, house banking chairman Barney Frank said he would introduce a bill placing an import tax on the product, as well as an excise tax in order to protect 'our French Friends' from unfair competition.
There are also reports surfacing that Government Motors (GM) is working on a fat fueled economy car nick named 'the fart mobile' that will be fueled exclusively by overweight, and out of work, United Auto Workers, (UAW), as another indicator that the Obama Administration is 'on top of things!'
Meanwhile, in Venezuela, Narco Dictator Hugo Chavez has nationalized 'everyone's asses', and they are expected to contribute to the nation's fuel and electrical shortages 'for the good of the state', a new proclamation being carefully monitored by Obama's Fat Czar, John 'Porky' Murtha.