President Bush last night announced new plans for counteracting the threat of possible terrorist attacks. In a bold, but largely accepted move, the President will be recalling 70,000 U.S. soldiers back from posts in Europe and parts of Africa. Troops posted in Afghanistan and Iraq are to remain being shot at for the time being. Troops returning home will be entitled to a short break, before being reposted to the Canadian and Mexican borders, where they will begin operations to remove terrorism.
"After our boys get some rest and see their families, we will re deploy three quarters of them to North Dakota, and the other half to Texas, where they will eventually spread out and begin removing the entire South American continent, and Canada" said Mr. Bush.
Although the move was warmly welcomed, critics were wondering at first how Mr. Bush planned on actually removing the U.S.A. from its neighbouring continent and country. But Mr. Bush was quick to explain his methods, stating, "This will be a peaceful operation, involving no guns, no fighter planes, and no tanks...all we are going to do, is saw ourselves off, using mostly pretty big saws. Our navy fleet will then start towing us away, and will keep towing us around the entire planet. The final result will be a permanent solution to terrorist, and missile attacks, barring our own. One day we're passing by our friends in China, the next day we're be neighbours to France, unless they run away." However, there are still some doubts concerning the problem of too much weight for the navy fleet to pull.
Ironically, Alaska has already begun removing itself from Canada, claiming that it wasn't a real U.S. state anyway. Alaskans are planning on rowing to Mexico, mainly for the nice weather and a sense of being wanted.
In an unrelated incident, the government has ordered all fast food restaurants and franchises to be shut down. Chief Executive of McDonald's, Ronald McDonald, was furious, and vowed to take revenge on Mr. Bush, only hours before a suspicious looking Big Mac box was found in the White House grounds. One eye witness managed to take a picture of the person the police want to question, but no one has stepped forward yet. The police are still trying to deactivate the burger.