LONDON England -- Black mold oozes from his smelly head. His lumpy skin reeks. A forklift and crane support his 2000 pounds of weight. Yet, according to this man, my source, he is the doctor here at the Tower of London.
This is not the typical image of a doctor. But 73-year-old Dr. Doogood is among the burgeoning elderly population of prison doctors, a group expected to continue to grow.
Doogood, who has been taking care of the occasional tourist at the tower of London when they reach for the jewels and are roughed up by a Bobby, has aspartame reflux disease and takes all the medicine in two drug stores twice a day. His condition has worsened since he started working as a doctor in the prison system in 2000. Twice while working in this prison, he was rushed to the hospital for heart transplants.
Like conditions exist around the world at prisons everywhere, according to UN publications released today. Also included, according to my UN source, Dr. Strangepogrom, the solution to the problem.
"Prisons cannot afford the extensive medical bills of old prison doctors any longer. Prisoners will henceforth study and earn medical degrees while in prison. These special degrees only permit the practice of medicine within prison systems. The program has been in pilot phase for some time," explained Strangepogrom.
The only flaw seems to be an excess of proctology applicants.