Vatican City-- The late Senator Ted Kennedy was officially declared a saint today during a Vatican ceremony. Saint Ted of Chappaquiddick was named patron saint of swimmers. Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are also expected to be named saints by the end of the year.
Pope Benedict XVI decided to waive the five-year waiting period for canonization after the Kennedy Clan showed the pope a videotape. The tape shows the pope wearing a pink, string bikini and grinding his hips to 'Like a Virgin.' That, plus a million dollars in gold, was enough to convince the pope.
The Catholic Church has already assigned duties to the new saint. Drowning swimmers and those trapped under water in cars are encouraged to pray to Saint Ted. The Church warns prayers not to expect too much. Saint Ted was also named the patron saint of the whiskey sour, and other cocktails. Strangely, he was also named the patron saint of boxer shorts.
Saint Ted of Chappaquiddick is always to be pictured in a drunken stupor. Pious Catholics are urged to place a tumbler of whiskey and a lighted candle in front of any image of this new saint.