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Wednesday, 11 November 2009

image for Brown returns to Berlin to do stand-up show
'I wish to complain about the anti-German, Nazophobic, downright poor taste of ...'

After the feeble sight of UK Prime Minister grovelling to the Germans in their capital city of Berlin this week, Mr. Brown's more famous rude and sarcastic nature resurfaced today, and he promptly flew back to Berlin to give the people there a stand-up show of black humour and irony.

Brown stood up on the stage near the Brandenburg Gate, and then remained standing there in silence for two minutes. Then he said 'OK, that's the end of all the German political jokes about themselves!', and then launched into some British ones.

'Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun were walking along the Tiergarten', he said, 'and she said to Hitler 'Aren't the pavements here so nice and clean? A tribute to our glorious National Socialist regime, and the efficient German people!', but Hitler said 'Actually, we got three Jewish surgeons, two dentists and a mathematician and forced them at gunpoint to clean the pavements with toothbrushes, that's why they're so clean!', to roars of laughter from the Berlin audience.

'A man went to see a film on a Saturday night here', Brown continued, 'but found the place totally empty. When he asked the manager why it wasn't busier, the reply was 'Because Himmler had all the people here strangled with piano wire then machine gunned for daring to laugh at a joke about the Fuhrer'. Ba da boom! What do you call a German stand-up political comedian? A dead one! Ha ha ha ha ha!'

And the PM continued in similar vein: 'A Scotsman, an Irishman and a German all go walking in the countryside here, and the Scotsman notices a dreadful smell in the air. 'Yuk!', he says, 'smells like a crematorium or something.'

And the Irishman agrees, saying to the German 'How can you live here with that awful smell?' And the German says 'I don't notice any smell, nor notice all that grey ash floating about - and I haven't noticed the smell and ash for three years now!''

'A German businessman uses slave labourers for ten years to make enormous profits, most worked to death by his factories, and is thrown in gaol in 1945 for the crimes. How long does he have to spend in gaol? Only ten years, then he's out to remain one of the wealthiest men in the world!'

'Are there any Americans here today?', and a few cheers are heard. 'Uh-oh', the Scot says, 'now I'll have to give a 'warning' about the next two jokes, you know what cissies the Yanks are!', to lots of laughter from the Germans. 'The sort of jokes you'll hear any weekend in pubs across Britain 'offend' Americans, jeez ...'

'Anyway, did you hear about the Irish terrorists that tried to blow up the Twin Towers in New York City? They failed - because their hot air balloon bounced back off the buildings! Heh heh heh heh. And for a really tasteless joke, how do you get ten million opponents of the Nazi regime into a Mini car? Easy - two in the front, two in the back, and 9,999,996 in the ashtray! Boom boom!'

'Hitler actually lived on after the War, ladies and gentlemen, and escaped to Brazil, but soon the other Nazis asked him to go back to Germany to rule it again, but he refused. Then a month later more Nazis went to beg him to change his mind, but still he said no.'

'And another month later all the surviving Nazis, who were now policemen in East and West Germany and bankers and UN Secretary-Generals, went to see the Fuhrer and asked him one last time to go back and rule Germany. 'OK', he said at last, 'but there's just one condition.'

'What's that?', they asked him. 'This time it'll be no more mister nice guy!', to groans from the audience. 'I know, I know, that one's a bit of an old chestnut - and speaking of old chestnuts, Hi, Angie!', for the German Chancellor was sitting in the back row.

'Well, Berliners, you've been a ghastly audience, so piss of back to your revolting lager and even worse sausages, I'm flying back to Fife for two mince pie suppers, a deep-fried Snackers bar and a bottle of Iron Brew. Let's see youse ban that lot with your namby-pamby EU regulations, ya bampots! And who won the War anyway!!', and Brown left the stage with two fingers above his lip while goosestepping and ranting German-sounding piffle in a loud voice.

That, of course, gave French President Nicolas Sarkozy a hard act to follow, but he soon had the Germans in tears of laughter by simply walking around on stilts while juggling three different surrender forms behind his back.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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