Written by P.M. Wortham
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Thursday, 5 November 2009

image for Fanimal Flees Edinburgh, Cornered in Brugge
Stow away meat stick, still at large

Still wanted by Interpol in Europe, Fanimal Peperami was reportedly seen in at least three countries since his last reported sighting in the U.K. a week ago. Found in Scotland frequenting numerous pubs on Rose Street in Edinburgh, patrons reported seeing Mr. Peperami first in the "Hogshead Pub", followed by "Fibber Magees" then finally at "Filthy McNasty's" near the grounds of Edinburgh Castle.

"It was at McNasty's where he found himself in a bit of trouble." Reported Eileen Dover, a local Edinburgh resident. "He was clearly drunk by the time he entered the pub, and interrupted a high stakes dart game between two pub regulars." Dover told reporters. "The poor meat stick was trying to start some sort of drinking song when he wandered into the flight of a thrown dart."

Piercing the skin but not causing irreparable damage, the dart had forced pork grease to leak down Peperami's body, making him even more difficult to catch in the ensuing scuffle. "It was pandemonium after he ruined that dart game" reported Miss Dover, "the one lad would have won his game if not for the brass dart finding the meat stick instead of the triple 20." Peperami had apparently slipped away, thanks in part to a leaky forehead.

Found to have stowed away inside an airline luggage compartment, Peperami had apparently hopped a flight from Edinburgh to Brussels and was spotted later in a park near Brugge. Local police tipped to his location closed in on the meat stick while he mounted a brass statue of a horse. Officer Bentu Hellanback remembers the still inebriated sausage trying to make his escape. "He kept yelling at the horse to start moving, but of course the horse could not comply."

Despite best efforts by police, Fanimal slipped through their collective fingers thanks again to the still leaky dart wound. He was last seen running towards a thick hedge row in the park, taunting police. "Nice try Mr. Thicky Pants, Mr. Shiny Badge, Mr. Hand Cuffs. Go get your husband and try again, Aaaaaahhhhhh!".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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