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Topics: Shooting

Sunday, 15 August 2004

image for Olympic Games Results and News Day 1
The Shooting Finals in the hills behind Athens.

News and Results

Day 1

SHOOTING

Ken Taki Friedchickenous

A bit bizarre this one. We all walked from the Olympic village, accross a field, to a shooting range nestled beneath the hills outside Athens.

6 countries to participate in a wide range of shooting disciplines. We had to patiently wait for everyone to unpack their equipment.

The nations contesting the finals of the shooting were the USA, Iran, Iraq, France, Austria and Britain. As contestants moved towards the ten metre shooting range, an Iraqi contestant remarked that it might be best for the Austrians to check for weapons of mass destruction before we start.

The Americans responded with "brilliant idea and while they are at it perhaps they can get the British back their boats from the Iranians".

The French who know an ugly situation when they see it moved rapidly to defuse it. They surrendered to the Austrians and were removed forthwith. President Chirac sent a telegram congratulating the team for upholding the finest French traditions going back well over a hundred years.

Greek organisers however were not as fortunate. They had the shooting finals to run but all they could see were armed combatants. Chief organiser Survivor Athenus told contestants that the Olympic Games had begun as a result of a quest for peace. Even wars ceased when the games were on.

Everyone agreed that it was indeed a moving story but if old scores were to be settled they didn't have time to listen to waffle. So they shot him. At this point the Austrians started to withdraw and the French burst into tears. This gained them another telegram from Chirac complimenting....but I digress.

The Americans and British thereupon stormed the Iraqis and seized all their weapons. The Iranians in retaliation radioed to the Village as a result of which all British canoes, rowing boats and swimmers were captured.

David Blunkett told an astounded packed press gallery that he had seen this coming while John Kerry who was to award the medals for shooting, admitted to having thrown them away.

It seemed as if everything had gone haywire and an inopportune moment for Chirac to suggest that for the next Olympics they replace shooting with begging and bleeding.

The sounds of gunfire became so alarming that the Turkish contingent feared that their countrymen had picked a singularly bad time to invade. They were assured by their Greek hosts at dinner that all was well it was just the British and Americans recreating Najaf at the shooting range.

The British delegation confirmed that a Butler and Hutton report would be out shortly but could they have their boats back please.

It seemed as if Athens 2004 might descend into WWIII - Organisers contacted President Bush for assistence. The president and Senator Kerry agreed that only one man could bring peace - Michael Moore. He was despatched immediately.

Acting on instructions he stood between the warring factions, and blocked out their view of each other...the hills...the sun and everything else...bringing the shooting to an unfinished but peaceful climax.

Tommorow I'm off to watch the Archery.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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