US Secretary Of State, Hillary Clinton was on the point of euphoria today after revealing that she believed she had finally resolved the Middle East conflict over disputed territorial rights between Israeli settlers and Palestinian militants.
"I think we've finally arrived," she told a packed press conference in Jerusalem. "I am so pleased that Binyamin Netanyahu, the Israeli Prime Minister has offered this hand of friendship to the Palestinian people over the disputed territories of the West Bank and the Gaza Strip."
PM Netanyahu told us:
"We know the Palestinians have a bit of a beef with us, as a nation, but we want to reach an amicable settlement. We agree that Palestine, if it is to become a totally independent state, needs much reconstruction.
"I am proud to relate that the State of Israel is willing to participate in this regeneration programme. We hereby vow to send in as many construction workers as the Palestinians request, to build new and exciting sunshine settlements!"
At which point, the Israeli PM received a standing abortion from the Knesset. He then added:
"Not only shall we assist Palestinians in regeneration, we shall also ensure the safety of residents of these settlements by building big concrete walls with checkpoints, and bombing anybody who doubts our integrity with phosphorous bombs. We're even prepared to use nuclear weapons if it all gets a bit too shaky politically. That is how committed to peace we are."
Mrs Hillary Clinton was reportedly delighted by the Israeli response to perceived injustices against the Palestinian people.
"It's an exciting proposition," she told us off camera. "Peace in the Middle East negotiated by a Clinton! It's such an exciting milestone in the evolution of mankind. The Palestinians will be living in luxury villas with swimming pools and hired help, in the foreseeable future. No less."
When we kind of reminded her that her husband had publicly stated that had "never had sexual relations" with that woman, meaning Monica Lewinsky, but also that he had in fact lied in that statement, as he was found to have befouled the front of Ms Lewinski's cocktail dress with what can only be described as 'semen' which presumably leapt from his "banana shaped (but not in the right way) totem pole: Could she ever trust a man again?"
"Good point. I never thought of it that way."
"We remain committed, as a nation to giving Palestinians the freedom to live and work wherever they choose. Providing it isn't in the West Bank or Gaza."
More as we get it.