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Saturday, 14 August 2004

image for Olympic Games Early Results and News
Higher, straighter....shit

As with all other major networks, Spoof will be keeping you up todate with all the news and results from the Olympic Games, as they come to hand. We apologise for a lack of quality in some instances but assure you, it's the last time we will be using Reporters R Us in a hurry.

OPENING CEREMONY
filed by Zeus Comeacropolis

It was very naice. Lot of pipple. Lot of countree. Everybodee say how naice. Atleet put on flame. Start game very naice.

BRIEFS
filed by Ken Taki Friedchickenous

The disappearence of Costas Credibiliy and Kat Inahat from the training camp before a routine drugs test has put a dampener on the opening ceremony. Costas had the keys to the liquor cabinet and will not be soon forgiven for making this a teetotal affair.

NBA basketball star Yao Ming has vowed to stop shaving for 6 months if China fail to reach the Quarter Finals. Let us hope that it has better results than when Michael Moore stopped brushing his teeth for 6 months and liked it so much he bought the company. Ming vase being tipped as a potential star of the games and has confirmed that he will turn to acting when he retires. Apparently they're doing a new series of Dynasty.

TODAY'S HIGHLIGHTS

Rowing : This is not about men in a boat. It is in fact the debate over the outcome of the drug testing - not to be missed.

It also includes the Olympic "I won't compete against you because your country....marathons". Journalists believe that these comprise some of the overall highlights of the games and expressed regrets that Saddam wasn't around anymore.

Diving : Organisers are yet to confirm whether this is the exercise by the pool or the soccer is kicking off early. For those who can't remember the difference between the two, think back to the year when a certain, not to be named diver, hit the edge of the board and and was found clutching his head in pain as if shot. Mind you that describes the soccer players after each tackle as well. Think of the one by the pool as having water.

EARLY RESULTS :

Political Puppet Discipline :

Ben Afflek - 7.3 7.2 7.4 7.4 2.4
(Apparently the East German judge's score can be discarded)

Michael Moore - 6.4 6.4 7.3 7.3 1.2
(Christopher Hitchens vote can be discarded)

Robert Fisk - 0.2 0.2 0.4 0.5 8.3
(Apparently Robert Fisk can be discarded)

Ben Afflek advances through to the next round where he will meet a tall dark stranger who will tell him his fortune.


That concludes this report for the opening day. Make sure you spell my name right. I am Greek on my 4th grade teacher's side. Usually I drive a cab the long way around Athens but they don't need to know that. Please send my first cheque as discussed.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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