Written by matwil
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Saturday, 31 October 2009

image for US in new push to end Mid-East peace
Mount Hillary No Thanks I Prefer Monica She's Younger And Prettier

US Secretary of Hypocrisy Hillary Clinton is in the Middle East for talks aiming at blocking the peace process.

She ignored Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, as Palestinians have no rich bank-owning relations in America, but headed to Jerusalem to grovel to Israeli PM Benjamin Notaniceguy, and to offer him more free jets and tanks to use on civilians in the Gaza, all of whom are Israeli citizens.

Speaking earlier to the British BNP Corporation, the BBC, she said that war between Israel and 'those beardies' remained a high priority for the United States, and that the US remains committed to a one-state solution, ignoring millions of people that have lived in Israel for thousands of years.

'The fact that I'm in the region reinforces the lack of seriousness with which we are approaching our whatever the hell I'm waffling about to ignore the fact I'm having talks with the world's worst war criminals and genocidal maniacs. Yes, Benjamin, do you want your other boot licked clean now? Very good, sir.'

When asked why the USA was sending a delusional harpy with about as much understanding of the Middle East's conflicts and history as a lump of frozen kosher gefillte fish has, she said: 'When I was in Kosovo, my presence underlined the lack of seriousness that Americans are taken by my lack of understanding of this sentence going on forever with no sight of and to it to cover up my complete dumb words that is and has been if I may say talked by all and so, a comma at last, it sure gets me on TV.'

Mrs. Clinton is no stranger to managing crucial talks in war-torn areas of the world. In the former Yugoslavia she bravely made up stories about being shot at to make herself sound important to cretinous American television viewers, and famously climbed Mount Everest years before Edmund Hillary did, due to being chased up it by an abominable snowman.

'Man, it was a close thing!', she said, from the ruins of a nursery school that the IDF destroyed earlier this year with US arms to kill lots of children, 'one minute I was wandering along, thinking nice thoughts about my good friend Monica Lewinsky, the next minute we were getting fired at by abominable snowmen snipers! We had inadvertently got caught up in the Pakistani-Nepalese-Abominable Snowmen War that has gone on for centuries, so we had to run for our lives up Everest!'

'Shots were ringing around us as quick as impeachments getting served on American Democrat Presidents, but we made it to the top to plant the US flag at the mountain's summit. Then a helicopter picked us up and took me to Saudi Arabia, to ask them for more of their oil in return for arming the world's second worst fascist dictatorship after Israel there with lots of weapons to use on their own people, that sure helps and shows the American commitment here and then and there to peace and whatever piece of drivel next comes out of my moronic mouth, um.'

Mrs. Clinton has said that there is little point in the US wanting negotiations between the Israelis and Palestinians, 'as we just do whatever the Israelis tell us to do anyway.'

'And me appearing on the news drivelling piffle about people I know nothing about at all indeed will certainly and assuredly and whole holily make one big and important longwinded heap of badly grammaticised unpunctuated uneducated American mishmash of mishmashosity and almost impressively moronic statementing about a two thousand-year old conflict I sure now know next to nothing about except nothing.'

Former President Bill Clinton was seen relaxing in Arkansas, singing a little John Lenin song to himself:

'Woman, I can hardly express
My mixed emotion at your silly dumbness
After all you're always in my debt
And woman, I won't try and express
My inner hatred and my mixedupness
I showed you the meaning of my success

Woman, I know you understand
That little thing inside Monica's hand
Please remember your fame was not planned
And woman, please go away far
Hopefully, to distant stars
Just please make sure that we're always apart

Woman, please don't try explain
All your reasons for being a pain
So let me tell you again and again and again
I hate you, yeah yeah, wish you were in Kosovo
I hate you, yeah yeah, wish you were in Somalia
I hate you, yeah yeah, wish you were on the Moon'.

Mrs. Clinton's facelift is 84 tomorrow.

Make matwil's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 1 multiplied by 4?

7 4 6 25

Go to top