Written by matwil
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Saturday, 31 October 2009

image for Dutch girl's solo voyage banned for being too boring
Vanessa Feltz starts her annual migration to Kentucky Fired Chicken

A Dutch court has stopped a 14-year old girl from sailing round the world, because 'sailing round the world is the most boring thing to get in the news, year after year, it's a totally uninteresting thing to do.'

'What next? The first dyslexic potato farmer to sail round the world on a bicycle? Or the first woman who suffers from a bit of gip on Thursdays to sail round the world single-handedly, while singing the complete arias of Johann Sebastian Bach endlessly? Clear off and get back to school, you silly little girl! Next case.'

The girl, Laura Black van Decker, had planned to 'run away from home, and build a spaceship and fly to Mars', according to her defence lawyer, Nazi Colla Boratorr, 'but then gave up and just decided to do what all other mindnumbingly uninteresting people do, and sail round the world.'

'We understand the court's concerns that it's a far too safe and bland thing for a 14-year old to do, and hope Laura will now do what other Dutch teenagers do, and take huge amounts of ecstasy and heroin and then go and work in a live sex show in Amsterdam.'

So many people have now sailed round the world that the United Nations has issued its 2,334th proclamation banning such activity, so it will be ignored by the United States and Israel as usual, and indeed one former US President had already started to sail round the world yesterday - but got lost in his own bath tub, and had to be rescued by the Netherlands Flat Earth and Air Sea Rescue Service.

'I had just said farewell to Laura', George 'Black Brain' Bush said, 'and set sail around the worlds in my bathroom, when, heck, these Japanesers suddenly fired a harp gun at me, and sank my ship!'

'And then it was all hands off the deck, as I bravely fought against the monsters of the soap dish and the eunice stone for freedom and democracity, and I even found a misunderstimated weapon of mass destruction next to the towel rail.'

'But ah showed true American grit and slipped on the soap and passed out in an alcoholic stupor under the water, before Laura came in and rescued me. That's the last time I go sailing round my own world of my own diseased, drug-induced, alcoholical imagination, I tells you!'

Miss Black van Decker sent a telegram of sympathy to Mr. Bush, wishing him 'a full recovery from acting like a brain-damaged chimpanzee, with a worse drink problem than W.C.Fields, Richard Burton and my Mum all put together'.

Next week a blue whale is in the news for sailing round the world, but gives up, saying 'Oh, what's the point, it's been done thousands of times before', and then goes to have a week's holiday in the centre of London.

Japan is planning to lift its ban on harpooning Vanessa Feltzes this year. Thaar she blows!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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