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Thursday, 12 August 2004

image for Saddam Admits Mass Slaughter May Have Been Wrong
"..and then they fired the Cannon..laugh?..I had tears.."

Saddam Hussein has admitted to crimes relating to the Olympic Games, while maintaining his denial of the balance of the charges levelled against him. These admissions came at a press conference hosted by Al Jazeera.

Saddam read from a prepared statement : "I am sorry that I have shot so many of Iraq's athletes. Admittedly at the time I found it most enjoyable, let's face it who wouldn't, but now I must raise my hands and say maybe I was wrong".

"When I began my days as a tyrant and a dictator, I honestly could not see what the big deal was. On a day to day basis the army, police and everyone but me, seemed to be out there having a ball. My ministers, those sons-of-bitches, told me that the President can't be seen to be running around like a common peasent.

"As a tyrant in training I had culled half of Iraq, now I was being forced to sit and watch. It was like going Cold Turkey without the patches.....going to those awful group sessions...you know the type, 'Hi I'm Saddam and I haven't killed in 4 days..."

Saddam told of his weeks at the AA as the only recovering homicidal maniac. He was at once touched by members concern for his wellbeing and at the same time annoyed that they hadn't been shot when found with alcohol.

"Then I discovered the Olympic Games and everything changed. My skin became clearer, my rash disappeared and there was a boyish spring in my step. Sunday mornings I used to load up the boys, you know, Uday and the other one and go training. I was adorable in Khaki with my assortment of rifles over my shoulders".

Saddam glanced whistfully at the gathered press : "Those Sundays were my life. Skeet, where they shot athletes out of a cannon we borrowed from the circus was my personal favourite. Even the athletes seemed to enjoy it. If they didn't they never said anything....mind you we did have to gas them out of the changerooms one Sunday but that was stagefright certainly no more than that."

Saddam became angry : "People have judged me not because of what I did but because certain countries believe that they can tell the rest of the world what to do. I on the other hand will go down in history as a man who promoted the ideals and spirit of the Olympic Games".

"You should have seen their faces when we shot them out of the cannon - priceless. For everything else there is Mastercard.."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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