Written by P.M. Wortham
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Friday, 30 October 2009

image for Swine Flu Thwarted by New Sanitizer
The S.P.I.T. misting bottle is demonstrated

Confirmed by an independent panel of scientists from the U.S., U.K. and Uzbekistan, a new liquid substance has proven highly effective against the spread of the H1N1 (Swine) flu virus.

The hypothesized formula was tested on all types of hard surfaces from countertops to sinks and door handles, but was also used directly on the skin to evaluate its effectiveness after a test subject was touched or sneezed upon by an infected host. In 99.3% of test cases evaluated, the sanitizer named MS1 had destroyed the H1N1 virus cultures on contact.

Long known for its cleaning abilities on the faces of dirty children, the mystery ingredient in the sanitizer is extracted directly from a mother's spit. The distilled saliva was suspected of having sanitizing qualities, but never formally tested until now. Professor Ivan Whetchin spoke to reporters about early testing, "Before funding arrived, we drew cards to determine which test we would study. High cards would test hard surfaces, low cards meant you would need to be spit on directly. I pulled many two's and three's, but the tests reminded me of my youth."

Still wiping his face with a handkerchief during the interview, Professor Whetchin said that more scientific methods are available to study the effects of the spittle today, but followed with, "I still rather enjoy taking a loogie in the face once in a while."

The MS1 ingredient is expected to be marketed in both pump and spray bottles and will be safe for uses on all skin types and commercial surfaces. Professor Whetchin plans to design another bottle that mimics the globular projection of sanitizer, as if applied by mother herself. "For now", Whetchin says, "The kindest thing you can do for your children and your close family members, is to have mom spit in your face."

The new product should be distributed later this month and will be called: "Sanitizing Personal Instant Treatment".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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