Vatican City - Pope Benedict, taking a lesson from those who forgave his complicity in the Holocaust, has chosen to receive a divine revelation, allowing him to forgive those who strayed from Christ's message of idolatry and popery.
"It is time to forgive those who have neglected to see me as Christ Incarnate.", said the Pope from his gold plated bedroom stuffed with looted artifacts that would feed, clothe and power a small African nation for a year. "Christ - that is to say, me speaking for him - would want them to come back to the fold, and start donating again to the spreading of my - that is to say, Christ's - glory."
His decision was greeted with outpourings of joy amongst the people of England, who have long missed pope worshipping and idolatry. As well as the worship of Mother Mary and the Saints. Still, there are expected to be some problems in the adjustment.
While Anglicans will face little change, as supporting a bureaucracy of men in dresses who don't care about God is nothing that they're not used to, many Catholics have expressed misgivings.
"Our Anglican clergy is all used to heterosexuality, with wives, mistresses and teen girls to play with.", said Gwen Stuart of Ipswich, England. "How are the clergy going to adjust to the mandated homosexuality and pederasty that make up the key sacraments of the Catholic church?"
Indeed, a wave of discontent has already been seen in middle schools throughout the United Kingdom, as 12 to 14 year old girls are seeing that their gravy train, courtesy of the Church of England, may be coming to a halt.
"It's not fair!", lisped Amber Jenkins of Banbury. "I knew that one day I'd turn 16 and be too old for him, but I thought I'd at least have another three years! Guess maybe I can ask my little brother to pick up the slack. But I've heard that at nine, he may be a bit past what the Catholic clergy looks for."
Nevertheless, the Pope, while forgiving, does have limits. "Those who refuse to renounce small girls for small boys will not be allowed to be bishops. On this the Holy Catholic Church is firm.", Pope Benedict said.