Written by Nelo
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Topics: Government, Ireland

Monday, 9 August 2004

Dublin, Ireland.

The Irish Government announced yesterday that they wish to rid Ireland of it's largest and most troublesome county, Cork. After a brief deliberation, the cabinet reached a unanimous verdict that something had to be done about the county, and though ministers did consider selling Cork to the highest bidder on the London Stock Exchange, they were advised that no serious investor would be interested.

When asked by reporters why the Irish Government wanted to get rid of Cork, a government spokesman gave a very thorough answer:

Cork has been an excessive drain on Ireland since independence, and Corkonians are forever whinging about Dublin. We're so bored to death with them, that we've decided to kick them out of the Republic

So what will become of Cork once its turfed out of Ireland? That question was put to Taoiseach Bertie Aherne, who shrugged his shoulders and said "Who cares? so long as I don't have to put up with those miserable whinging bastards anymore

Relations between Ireland and Cork have been deteriorating since independence, and in recent years the number of illegal corkonian immigrants moving into the greater Dublin region has infuriated the locals. According to Mark Ferris, Professor of Political Science at Dublin National University, the trouble has become accute in the last five years:

Corkonians are not really Irish, they have their cultural origins deep in the North African Maghreb, they are naturally clannish and prone to stick together. For some reason, and we are still trying to figure this out, they seem to have an inate sense of superiority, god knows why 'cause they've never really achieved anything of note

Among ordinary Irish people there is a long running joke If you let a corkonian into a telephone kiosk he'll invite his friends and family to join him It may be a joke, but in recent years the Irish Government introduced a law to limit the number of corkonians entering the rest of the country.

The Irish Government has contacted the British government to ask them whether they would take Cork back into Britain after eighty years. According to diplomatic sources the answer was abrupt and very undiplomatic language was used. Undeterred the Irish Government have been in contact with the Algerian and Moroccan Government's, and are awaiting a determination from them. An answer is not expected anytime soon.

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